Endtimes Cookbook

(work in progress; story, images, and video to be completed and published in book form by December 21, 2012)

"On the land fell a calamity, one unknown to man; one that had never been seen before, one which could not be withstood. A great storm from heaven. . . A land annihilating storm. . . An evil wind, like a rushing torrent. . . . The people, terrified, could hardly breathe; the evil wind clutched them, does not grant them another day. . . . Mouths were drenched with blood, heads wallowed in blood. . . . The face was made pale by the Evil Wind. It caused cities to be desolated, houses to become desolate; stalls to become desolate, the sheepfolds to be emptied. . . ."
-Samuel Noah Kramer's translation of Sumerian text "Lamentations"
"[The bodies were] stacked up in heaps."
-Zecharia Sitchen, "The Wars of Gods and Men"

There are 4 survivors of the change, traveling in groups of two.

One set are fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. They are the Boodle Twins. They have forgotten they are related--all they know is that the other has always been present. They do not remember their parents or their origins, and until the change, they seemed to stay together out of circumstance.
The Boodle Twins survived by fluke. When the change came, they ***************. They do not know that they are genetically lucky, nor would they understand it if they did. They only know that they like to eat salty, oily, or sweet food, they like to be entertained, and they like to physically feel good. They LOVE junk food.

Here they are, cooking a root they found over an open flame. They don't know much about cooking; all the food they ate before the change was cooked for them, grown in exotic locales and modified to perfectly suit their world's aesthetic desires. No one ever taught them to boil food in water to cook it, for they have no precedent.

The second set of of survivors were prepared--they are the Heirs of Brahma. The Heirs of Brahma are not genetically related, but they came together almost as if they had summoned each other as they were growing and maturing. When they met, they connected instantly, as if to say, "It's about time".

For years before the change, the Heirs of Brahma had been training their minds and bodies to do extraordinary things. They learned techniques of remote viewing from US Army manuals, which they later employed to view countries around the world and figure out shifting political climates which could affect their world. They sharpened their ESP skills early so as to be able to discern the nature of any situation and act accordingly. They have built machines to "create and modify a local gravity sinusoid that replicates the affects of a Kerr black hole" (see http://www.johntitor.com/) and travel through time between different worldlines; this is how they escaped the change. This is how they can hold conference with themselves and send scouts to different planets and worldlines to find a new home for the human race. They have mastered "space jaunting", an instantaneous form of inter-planetary teleportation within a single worldline achieved through extreme concentration and mental discipline (Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"). Arrogant and sure, they expect to become gods.


Here they are, pulling gold out of the ocean to put into their food:



The Boodle Twins have been feeding themselves on a whole manner of things they have been finding--here are two recipes they created after finding an abandoned and mostly intact convenience store.

Boodle Bagels

-hamburger rolls
-Miracle Whip
-a bottle cap

Spread Miracle Whip in a circle on half a roll, being careful to not put some in the middle.
Reunite the halves of the roll.
Punch though middle with a bottle cap.


Italian

-ramen noodles
-vienna sausages
-ketchup

Heat noodles in water, strain, and serve with ketchup and vienna sausages on top.
Let's eat Italian!



Upon returning to our world after the change, the Heirs of Brahma telepathically perceive survivors, and scour the planet for the yet undiscovered Boodle Twins:
Although the Boodle Twins observe and are wary of the Heirs' ship as it floats by, they continue with their new routines--especially scrabbling about in old convenience stores eating whatever they can find and leaving the opened wrappers conspicuously all over the place.

Eventually, the Heirs of Brahma covertly discover and watch the Boodle Twins and their habits. To the Heirs, this discovery represents hope for future races of mankind as a result of genetic cloning and modification experiments the Heirs have undertaken--as seen in the female Heir's "Ideal Dog Clone" project:


Eager to study the Boodle Twins' genetic make-up and figure out how they survived, the Heirs return to a worldline they have fashioned to their pleasure and devise plans to trap them so they can get samples of their blood, and eggs and semen. After employing remote viewing to discern that the Boodle Twins also supplement their diet with whatever rat carcasses they find flattened under the rubble (image: making rat stock; recipe: Flat Rat Stock), the Heirs create a genetically modified giant rat to simultaneously frighten them into submission. They call the operation "King Rat", and use alligator DNA to give the creature a thick, nigh-impenetrable skin in the case of the Boodle Twins trying to attack it with crude weapons (image:Brahmas planning King Rat?).

However, unbeknownst to the Heirs of Brahma, the Boodle Twins find a partially destroyed Wal-mart. After feasting upon Tostitos dipped in leftover fryer grease in partially broken barrels at what used to be the dumpsters behind the store, they search the rubble for a Bratz backpack for Lady Boodle's collection of leftover rat bones and a pet dead rabbit they found and named "Soft". Instead, they discover what's left of the hunting section.
Pleased w/ their newly scavenged shotgun (which they've decided to call "Bang") and boxes of shells, the Boodles and Soft set out to find things to shoot.
The Heirs of Brahma grow "King Rat" and set him out within a 5 mile radius of the partially destroyed boxcar in which the Boodle Twins have been living. For a few days, the Boodle Twins hear rustling nearby, but pay in no heed because they are too busy lining up rocks and bones, or dandling Soft upon their knees to entertain themselves. Lady Boodle has been known to put herself in a trance-like state by petting Soft for hours.
Soon enough though, the Boodles become aware of King Rat, and go to great lengths to avoid him--they are indeed scared of "Big Rat", and he achieves some sort of god-like role in their minds. However, one day when they are sitting atop their boxcar drunk off of Raisinade throwing rocks at Big Rat, they realize he may just be a tasty morsel after all and lure him into the boxcar with Soft as bait, and shoot him. This provides supper for some time.

Raisinade:
(should be made with only products found in a convenience store)
Boxes of Sun-Maid raisins/Raisinettes
2 liter bottle of coke
packets of Crystal Light Lemonade or Tea
marshmallows for flair
beer or alcohol, if you can find it

Mash up raisins with a rock
put in coke bottle, with some coke poured out, and add the Crystal Light
squeeze marshmallows in
pour some beer in and roll on the ground to mix, and leave out in the sun a few days to ferment)

The Heirs of Brahma are chagrined at their failure, but blame it upon their inability to create a good trap while still not feeling completely at home in their new worldline. To remedy this, they decide to bring back objects they miss from their old world which have significance to their chakras/wheels of energy along their bodies. To make their memories physically manifest themselves as objects, they meditate upon them by having non-orgasmic, tantric sex.

Muladhara, the base chakra which signifies survival and is situated at the anus, is represented by dolls of the Boodle Twins--a symbol to help the Heirs of Brahma concentrate upon their goal of catching these survivors. The next chakra, Svadhisthana, located within the sexual organs, is physically made manifest by pineapples--one of their Heirs' favorite foods from which they gain power. Manipura, the stomach chakra, is a milk cow similar to the Heirs' beloved one which did not survive the change. Cellini's 56 million dollar salt cellar comes to them from Anahata, the heart chakra, while the throat chakra, Visuddha, is represented by an African Grey parrot, infamous for its ability to hold conversation with humans. Ajna, the chakra of perception and is represented by light, located within the third eye, brings back their red Murano glass chandelier. Lastly, the crown chakra at the top of the head which unites one with Brahma as kundalini the snake penetrates each preceding chakra from its resting place at Muladhara, brings home the pyramidion of the Black Pyramid of Amenemhet III in Dashur, Egypt. With these accouterments, the Heirs of Brahma are convinced they will succeed in capturing the Boodle Twins.